Thursday, December 3, 2009

Jesus Makes the Wheel

The story you are about to hear is true. No names have been changed to protect the innocent (because there are no innocents), no literary license has been taken, and the events related here in are as factually accurate as my personal neck topping bowling ball can remember.

Two days ago....or three, honestly I'm not really sure. The use of the simple word set "today, tomorrow, and yesterday" is getting very cumbersome for me. If you are typing your blog at 5am, was the most recent 2pm yesterday? Or today? Is the next 2pm tomorrow? Today? Might it actually be yesterday? These are new questions to be explored at a later time. Anyway, I'm in the Bay 20 and Jesus is on my immediate right in the 6 hole, with me occupying the 7. This is noteworthy because we're kinda turned towards each other and the whole confrontation is very sort of personal "up in your face" sorta more than usual. Anyway Jesus and me (in the Jesus Seat) are in the blinds and somebody opens in the middle somewhere and the button cold calls. Jesus calls and I peek down at a couple of 5s and launch what is basically a set-mining operation. Except my plans are instantly thwarted on the flop of:

432r

Somehow, someway, I have flopped an over pair. Of 5s. Jesus donks right out, as is his custom with all manner of hands he should be check raising. I contemplate for like maybe a quarter of a second or so before raising him for like 13 good reasons, and the preflop raiser mucks (KQ no good sir?). The button 3-bets and Jesus caps. I don't really know what to make of this situation but call. Thoughts start spinning through my head like "does Jesus have a set?" and "does somebody have 65?" and "drawing dead again, eh Jesse?" but before I can sort any of it out the dealer puts up the second best card I could see:

432-Ar

Jesus leads again and Jesse makes the wheel. I realized after this whole boondoggle that my extremely low opinion of Jesus's playing ability was in fact a gross over estimate. He is truly a level 1 player, in that he doesn't even think about what cards his opponents are likely to hold most of the time. Damn it he has a pair he's betting! But at the time I'm looking at that board and thinking "He might not even bet a set here, let alone two pair". Were it HU I'd be obligated to raise, but with the button in the hand drawing pretty much stone dead (or at least dead enough that I don't much mind if he calls, since even if he has a 6 for a gut shot he doesn't have 4 outs, only 2) I opt to just call. This might be a small mistake, but it makes the hand turn out pretty freaking funny. The button makes a speech and folds his hand, and Jesus and I see the river:

432-A-2

Wow. Jesus bets again and I reach to my stack to cut off 8 chips to just call. Yeah I played this hand like a little girl, but I basically decided he had 2 pair+ on the turn and I don't beat much and raise/folding is out of the question so I'm just gonna call. Now I haven't even broken my stack yet, let alone made a forward motion, and Jesus is making a speech "I had the best hand the whole way" and turns over his hand in a flourish. Then realizes I haven't acted yet. Then tries to cover up his hand and turns it back over. But it's too late, I saw it. Jesus has A4, for just top two pair. I think for a second about how to handle the situation and do contemplate just calling him for a moment before cutting off the raise. Jesus is beside himself. He calls, and goes on for literally 3-4 minutes about how that was really mean of me, really dirty, how I should have just called, how he only showed his hand because I had the 8 chips already out (brazenly not true), how nobody has ever done that to him before, nope nobody, and how he's going to get me, going to chase me now, from now on in fact. I basically say nothing and rack up soon there-after as it's time to go home.

Fast forward to the next day (a day I'm confident I can currently call yesterday) and I'm playing 20/40 again at Bay. Jesus sits down and makes some threat about how he's going to get back at me. I'm in the 7 or 8 seat and for our first debacle he's in seat 2. Now I can't really explain how what I'm about to tell you actually happened, but I swear to you it did. I open raise ATs in pretty early position and the next guy cold-calls like it's his job. Jesus 3-bets me. He's been at the table maybe 10 minutes and this is probably the first time I've even entered a pot since he sat down. All signs point to "bull shit 3-bet", but I can't be sure and have myself a group 3 hand. I decide that when somebody hates you and decides to run you over, playing passively is often the best approach. I just call, passenger calls, and we see:

A53r

I'm not even kidding. I check, the passenger checks, and Jesus bets. I just call, deciding to play the hand WA/WB and let Jesus barrel off with the junk in his range. In retrospect this is a mistake. He's not even capable of understanding how many barrels it would take for me to fold, or really anything at all. But I play it this way. Our passenger folds and the pot is only 6 big bets.

A53-2 with a heart draw now

Did I mention that I personally hold 2 hearts? Now would be the time to mention that. This is a curious card indeed, and I take pause for a moment before deciding to check/raise the Jesus. But he thwarts me and checks behind! My God, he has pocket jacks and just owned me! I make ready the river barrel and

A53-2-4 no flush

WTF. IMR, WTF. My brain cannot process the information quickly enough but I am able to determine that betting serves no purpose whatsoever. He'll never fold (turns out this is false...he'll fold sometimes because he can't even read the board) and might raise and I'm playing the board. So I check. Jesus turbo bets and I turbo call and the ensuing 6th street banter is really what has convinced me that he is truly special.

"You got it, I have nothing"

I am stunned. I cannot process how this is possible. He doesn't know there's a straight on the board! It's right fucking there. One two three four five. But he doesn't see it!

"I missed" Jesus adds for emphasis.

At this point in the movie we'd have a freeze frame, and Matt Damon's voice would start out in a thick Boston accent "Table your hand, Jesse! Table it and say 'Yeah I got it' and point to your gleaming glittering useless pair of aces. He'll muck his hand. He doesn't see the straight! This is your moment. Don't let it slip away" Instead I sit there mouth agape unable to move, waiting for him to table his hand, practically daring him to table it. So he does....Queen Jack off. and I do. And the dealer starts chopping up the pot and there is a brief flash of understanding in his eyes. Jesus made the wheel!

OK so that was bad. Jesus didn't bet the turn and I gave him a free card that he beat me with. Never mind that he had literally 3 outs to chop. This is the way of the world; this is how I run. SO a little while later I open raise A8s a few spots too early and end up in like a 4 or 5 way pot (that's why it was too early) and the flop comes down:

A23r

I'm not making this up. Jesus bet/3-bets, with me just calling and Yung (a true blue maniac) making his kamikaze all in stand. Why did I just call the flop? Mainly because I saw Yung was already moving to put in a raise and only had 9 chips total, so it really didn't matter if I raised or not. In fact, calling gave me more options than raising. So I just called. Jesus 3-betting set of alarm bells in my head and I proceeded directly to call down mode. The turn was a blank (I can't remember it at all....perhaps it had paint on it?) and I called again, noting that Jesus appeared to have less than 2 big bets left. The river:

A23r-X-6

And Jesus checks! Aiyah, he hates me and was hoping I'd just check behind! Or is it a tarp? I have to bet, I cannot resist....Jesus check/raises all in for 5 more chips. I call. He tables 45o and declares "I got you. I told you I'd chase you down and get you and I did" and is as proud of himself as I can recall seeing a man at the poker table. And why shouldn't he be. Jesus flopped the wheel.

4 comments:

Captain R said...

Don't piss off Jesus, you'll regret it. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow... but mark my words.

You will regret it.

jesse8888 said...

He said we were even after this. I guess I received absolution.

SSL said...

I want to play Jesus.

Alan Bostick said...

With the lepers in your head?