In my month (ish) of soul searching or whatever you'd call it I haven't really come to whole lot of interesting conclusions. To be honest, it was kind of disappointing. Like, I realized that I still don't like a whole lot of the things I do on a daily basis, but that I do fundamentally still enjoy playing poker for a living. I do not want to quit. I also realized that I cannot actually affect change regarding most of the things I don't like. What I can do is change how I react to them, and in that regard I am going to be much more diligent and hopefully short circuit a lot of the rage and frustration that comes with this territory. But that's pretty wishy washy, right? I mean, for a month of soul searching that is rather weak sauce.
But wait, there's more! I've realized that one thing I can actually change is the fact that a good bit of my frustration comes from a general lack of confidence, or more specifically making mistakes. If I get bludgeoned over the head by cold decks it really doesn't bother me that much. Sure it gets under my skin a little when it's done by certain high grade scum bags, but in general I take it pretty well, and I'm going to try to take it better by simply not reacting. What pisses me off the most, though, is when I butcher a hand or miss an opportunity to outplay somebody. I can't stand that shit. So what am I going to do about it? I'm actually going to take a renewed academic interest in the game! Amazing isn't it? I've been remiss in studying for far too long, and I'm just simply not going to let it slide anymore. I'm going to play poker for a living, and I'm going to be a soul crusher. I'm not just going to limp along and beat the snot out of these idiots the same way day in and day out. I'm going to study, talk hands, watch videos, think outside the box, reject dogma, become intimate with range equity calculations, and in general just work to destroy people. Pete has been saying this for a long time, and for some reason I just wasn't ready to listen to him. But I am now. I'm going to work hard, get better, and hopefully at the same time eliminate one of the biggest stress points in my daily life. No more West Wing, no more Law and Order, no more waiting around for Danielle, no more any of that shit. Podcasts in the car, lots of hand emails, study sessions with a good friend down here all the time....getting better at limit hold 'em is now, day in and day out, priority one. It is above playing, it is above Danielle, it is above the gym, it is above everything. This will be the way of things, and it will be glorious.