Saturday, February 16, 2013

Maybe it's Working

This new positive attitude thing is tough, but it may be working. As I drove home from commerce today (it's too nice to stay inside all day....84 and sunny) I suddenly found myself in park on the 5. Not parked; in park. I was stopped so long I shifted gears and waited it out. Usually this would infuriate me; some asshole wrecked his shit and now I have to camp in my car. But today....

Maybe it was the $2000 I won at Commerce. Maybe it was the sunshine. Or maybe, just maybe, I really am changing my world view. As I creeped towards the accident 10 minutes later my rage did not bubble up. It didn't even present itself at all! Instead of cursing at all the lookie lous (rubber neckers if you prefer), wishing hopelessly that I could beat them, I did the only truly sensible thing. I joined them! I slowed down, intentionally, and gawked. I viewed it like an amusement park ride that I'd patiently waited my turn to experience. I didn't do any of this intentionally, either, and that's the super duper important part. It just happened. I cruised past the Mexican guy sitting on the guard rail, busted ass Tacoma UPSIDE DOWN AND BACKWARDS on the ice plant carpeted embankment on the side of the freeway, with TWO refrigerators sprayed out in various directions, and you know what I did? I smiled. I actually smiled. He was OK; there was no ambulance. Sure he was maybe about to get his illegal ass shipped back to TJ, but that's a minor thing given his UPSIDE DOWN AND BACKWARDS tacoma. He's alive and that's a fucking miracle; he can sneak back in I've seen border wars. And so I smiled, taking in the absurdity of it all on a beautiful 85 degree day in mid-February. I felt no anger, no pain, no rage. I just took it all in and drove past, and for me that could be considered a huge step in the right direction.

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