Monday, May 9, 2011

In Which I Will Rail On Sports

First of all, at the time of this writing I am,, simply announce that the Pittsburgh Pirates currently reside in 3rd (third...that's just two spots below first) place in the NL Central with a record of....wait for it. 18-17. By beating the Dodgers (more on them later) tonight, they moved within a mere two games of the division leading Cardinals. Ladies and gentlemen, this is fucking monumental. Usually a Pirates' season is measured by a few simple numbers;

Starting pitchers on the DL
Date of 82nd loss
Date of 100th loss

To be above .500 this "late" is simply fantastic. If the current trends continue, to quote my father, I am 100% sure they probably could win 75 games this year. 100%. Now, on to more serious business.

First, we have Rashard Mendenhall. What a freaking jackass. My father originally thought that the Steelers were actually going to have to cut him after he shot his mouth off, people in the town were that upset (it soon became clear that they would not cut him for a number of reasons, including "there is a lockout they can't cut anybody", "he could honestly probably sue them in some way connected to his freedom of speech being violated", "he's pretty good", and finally "they have nobody else"). I'm a pretty big homer when it comes to the Steelers, but just JFC what a freaking idiot. You are a football player; play football. Don't say things that will seriously upset your fans, no matter how "right" you think you are. It's not rocket science here. Take the ball, hit the guy, goto the huddle, repeat.

Next on my list of people/organizations to win a Chucky (what a great award, seriously) would be the LA Lakers, and specifically Andrew Bynum. The hit he laid on whoever the other guy was (honestly I don't even know) was one of the dirtiest I have ever seen. Admittedly I don't watch much basketball, but...seriously? If he's suspended for less than 5 games it's all a complete joke. If I were in charge I'd give him 10-15 and make him goto like anger management counseling or something just for shits and giggles. And the worst part is I had to listen to everyone talking about it all day today, and a good number of them were actually trying to defend both Bynum AND the organization. Honestly Orange County is kind of growing on me, but can freaking have it. And besides, at our current rate of southern migration, Danielle and I will be living in Ecuador by 2025.

This whole Lakers debacle reminded me of another glittering example of how we treat people here in LA, specifically the vicious beating of a Giants fan last month after a Dodger's loss early in the baseball season. The last report I heard is that the victim is still in a coma with an extremely bleak prognosis; it'll be a miracle if he ever even wakes up, let alone has any brain function when he does. This story managed to further entrench my belief that the best course of action is simply to wait for "the big one" to do her worst and then rebuild this city from scratch. The people responsible should literally just be shot in the testicles, stomach, and finally face, or perhaps we could set up some sort of identity exchange program with a country in sub-saharan Africa where by their citizens get to trade places with people we want rid of. Come to think of it, that's a fantastic idea; just officially revoke the guilty party's complete identity and all the rights, privileges, and assets that come with it and simply give them to to someone in Africa who through blind luck or an act of God somehow does not yet have AIDS. And while we're at it, let's relocate the Dodgers to Rwanda, or at least let Mark Cuban buy them and be done with it.


rhythmofvision said...

Your best rant ever.

Steve said...

JJ Barea. And afterward Bynum said that the reason he did it was that he was frustrated the Lakers were losing, and that little guy on the other team shouldn't be scoring on them so much, so he just wanted to reach out and hurt him …. Barea could be in the hospital with a broken neck from that play. And this isn't Bynum's first such offense. Bynum should be suspended at least half a season, preferably 1-2 seasons. The NBA cannot tolerate such blatant, admitted, repeated thuggery. Bynum was not remorseful -- what if he paralyses a guy the next time he does this? Half a season. At least.