Friday, February 20, 2009

Does Buddha Have the Nuts?

In response to my last post:

Blogger Dave said...

Just to make this crystal clear, in your hierarchy of deities, Zeus > Jesus? Please also rank the following deities:

- Buddha
- Poseidon
- Mohammed
- The Flying Spaghetti Monster
- Cal Ripken

February 19, 2009 9:29 AM

So without further adieu, I give you my complete, expert, rankings of these 7 deities, with heavy weight given to their expected poker potential.

7. Jesus - Honestly, what does this guy have going for him? I know he disappeared for like 20 years even in his own holy text, and perhaps he spent that time traveling the world looking for juicy home games, but I sincerely doubt it. His commandments, such as "Thou Shalt Not Lie" and "Thou Shalt Not Covet" suggest that he was a calling station. Sorry Jesus, but you just don't have much game.

6. Mohammed - This is a default ranking. I don't know a freakin' thing about Mohammed beyond what I picked up from Malcolm X. If Mohammed had the foresight to send, say, Samuel L. Jackson, in his stead, then perhaps he could have cracked the top 5.

5. Poseidon - I once tried to play cards in a hot tub. It was practically impossible. They stick together something fierce and you're always dropping them off whatever ghetto-ass object you've got floating in the middle pretending to be a table. Poseidon just couldn't put in enough hours to hone his skills.

4. Buddha - Now we're getting up to the deities that actually have some game. Buddha, while unassuming in appearance, has one quality that would allow him to crush mid-stakes limit hold'em. He is, without a doubt, completely and utterly tiltless. Beat after beat could rain down on this guy, and he'd just keep on smiling that dopey grin. Couple that with the fact that every Asian guy at the table would soft-play him and you've got yourself a potential long-term winner on your hands.

3. The Flying Spaghetti Monster - You'd think that a completely nonsensical glob of pasta, lacking a brain, limbs, and even a mouth, that was created in just this past decade, couldn't possibly hold his own in a group of this standing. You'd be wrong, though. TFSM strength lies exactly in the qualities one might think were his weaknesses. Nobody has a clue what cards he holds, and he's not afraid to throw the book out the window and make plays based on his gut instinct alone. While he's not exactly fundamentally sound, he'll always keep you guessing, and could snap off your bluff with king high at any time. In other words, he's the WTK of this group.

2. Cal Ripken - The consumate professional. This guy shows up day after day, grinding out a small edge in countless hands, hour after hour, week after week, year after year. I mean, have you ever done anything, other than breathing, 2632 times in a row? This guy will eventually have all the chips. If I'm picking up teams and Cal Ripken is in the room, my first question is "Is Cal available?" My second question is, "What game are we playing?"

1. Zeus - Honestly, this competition wasn't really fair from the beginning. Zeus is a freaking bad ass. He spends his days prowling around Mount Olympus, smoting mortals with thunderbolts and pumping iron, and his nights drinking wine and hosting orgies. He knows what you have and what you intend to do with it, and you best not forget it.

That about wraps it up. If anyone has suggestions for further posts, feel free to suggest them in the comments section.


Keith said...

Haha...awesome post.

I have a poker-ish related question Jesse...Is there a reason you primarily play during the mornings/afternoons? I would assume that the games are juicier in late afternoon/night settings as all the business peeps looking to blow off steam show up, and at night when all the true degens show up?

Also, I would have cheered you on more on Tuesday but they threw me out of the high limit area :(

Dave said...

This is a fantastic post. Not just because I requested it, but because it's well-written and hilarious. Nice work.

Maybe you should make a weekly Friday post where you rank non-poker players according to their expected poker potential. (For instance, you could rank the Best Actor Oscar nominees, or the top 10 NFL quarterbacks, or the members of the A-Team.)

jesse8888 said...

I have a long list of reasons.

1. The daytime games are very beatable. They actually tend to be more passive, which makes them easier to play in.

2. I want to have a normal schedule. I value time with my girlfriend who works a normal schedule. Also, playing weekday days makes hanging out with other friends easier.

3. Drunk people tilt me.

4. I am more alert during the day.

5. My two best poker friends play early on week days.

While 2 is the most important, without one I couldn't do it.

Fivos Constantinou said...

Haha, this is hilarious. Being greek I take pride that Zeus is #1 on your list. He was truly bad ass.