So I get to Garden City and for once actually do some good. A 20/40 game is 4.5 handed (Bo G is in the game taking up a seat but lobbying about as much as usual) and in desperate need of some propping. I oblige by sitting in the 7 seat, and Yoda texts me from the 9 seat to explain that seat 8 is quite the lagfish and he has the Jesus seat. Since 4, 5, and 6 are the other openings, I have little choice. This also makes it pretty obvious as to the current source of the action.
So we gamble a bit, and Yoda's claim is accurate as usual; Seat 8 is a pretty awful lag. But Yoda leaves at 11:15 and all is right in the universe again. Anna sits in and all of a sudden we are 7 handed with an avid reader pitching the cards from the dealer's seat and me comfortably entrenched in Yoda's old seat, making ready to 3-bet this guy with two napkins.
He's really been out of hand. Back raising T8hh from the button, 3-betting Jack high, all manner of atrocities. Doing stuff like this is OK if you hand read well, like, say, WTK or Jose. This guy....not so much. As a lead up to our hand, he raises KK and gets cracked by Q6 on a board of 663-J. The situation is made worse by his making of expert slow play by only calling the flop check raise. The bet/3-bet on the turn is swift and merciless, and when the hand ends our villain throws his cards at the dealer and talks about "queen six huh, couldn't let that one go, eh?" for like 5 minutes. In fact, he's still talking about it when I do this.
The action folds to our friend on the button and he decides that a power limp is the best course of action. The only situation in which it is mathematically correct to limp on the button is if you have aces, which are actually strong enough to slow play preflop 3-handed in limit hold 'em (this is actually a flaw with the game I think, there existing a hand with such power, but that's a discussion for another time). But since that's the only time you SHOULD do it, you should never do it. You get the idea. Anyway, our friend isn't open-limping aces. In fact, he doesn't even have AN ace. Or a King for that matter. Or any cards within two ranks of each other. So I peer down at the monster that is K9 offsuit and do what any sane human being would do in this situation with the nuts; I raise to try to knock out the big blind. I am once more smoted and the flop goes off 3-ways. Time for plan B. Flop the nuts.
Victory! I bet and the big blind folds. He could have had an ace, and if he had called this flop I'd have shut down and wondered where my $60 went, so that was good. Now I do in fact have the nuts, unless the button is somehow holding a 5 in his hand and even then I have pretty good equity since I have 6 outs straight away and will likely pick up 3 more on the turn. The button hems and haws for what feels like 30 seconds (actually probably 10) and eventually says "I'll see one more" and pitches in 4 chips. This is not an act. He has basically nothing and is peeling super light. I load up barrel number 2.
I take a second to appraise the card (mostly just for rhythm purposes) and then fire ze missile. He calls, this time very slowly, but without a speech. I determine that he's either just paired his 3 or picked up some sort of draw (either a gutshot at the wheel or a spade draw). This is not good, obviously, but it's me we're talking about so not entirely unexpected.
I'm not really sure what to do but I quickly rule out betting, since he'll never call with a worse hand or fold a better one, so I check, hoping he checks it back. The guy bets pretty quickly, which is usually a sign that someone is betting a busted draw. If he had a pair he'd probably have to think for a second about whether or not I could possibly call with a hand he beats. So I call, and tables Q3cc for the turned pair of 3s after doing the thing where he picks up his cards and looks at me and says "I think you've got it" and after I turbo muck and actually laugh out loud he says "I don't know man, I don't beat much" and I just don't respond at all. As an aside, Tommy Angelo points out that the harshest thing you can do to an opponent who just put a wicked bad beat on you is fold your hand and not say a word. If they try to explain why they did what they did, the worst response they can get from you is nothing at all. So I tried that out here and I gotta say it felt awesome.