My First Patent

Patents are a big deal. At Oracle there was a big push to patent as much crap as possible; I think there was one woman who's full time job was exactly that. I obviously never filed for one back then, but feel confident I have hit upon a patentable process at long last and should be well on my way to unlimited riches. Stay with me here.

Do you like peanut butter? Of course you do. I've never met someone who didn't like peanut butter, and if I did I would assume it was due to some sort of rare genetic condition that interfered with the person's ability to taste "awesome". But here's the real question. Crunchy or smooth? Everyone has a side here. Sure some people are close to the fence, or even hanging off one side of it, but nobody is on top straddling it. You have a preference on the matter. Now this is all well and good, but what if your significant other is on the other side of the fence? This doesn't make her a bad person; just wrong. Nobody is perfect. You love her, though, and want this peanut butter matter to, well, not matter. But what to do? Sure, you could purchase both kinds, and that's the solution your grocery store would have you believe is best. But we all know that, economincally speaking, peanut butter is best purchaed in the ginormous family sized tub that a small dog could drown inside of. That thing costs like $5.99, and the next size down, 50% smaller, is $4.99. So how's a savvy consumer to avoid taking it in the shorts? You could buy BOTH ginormous tubs, but at the risk of your own well being (it is possible to own too much peanut butter; I know it's hard to accept but you've gotta trust me here).

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you now an elegant solution to the above outlined dilemma; the horizontal crunchy-smooth demarcation via trunk encapsulation. Start with one ginormous tub of crunchy peanut butter, walk to your car, open the trunk, and wedge said tub between the wall and the first aid kit (or dead hooker or whatever it is that's always thumping around back there....maybe if you had a first aid kit like me you could have saved her). Go about your business for the day, making sure to park your car outside in the sun for at least a few hours. After dark simply retrieve the now cooled tub and presto, you have half smooth, half extra crunchy peanut butter, divided vertically! Simply open the top and you can access either side instantly. You've saved $3.99, your health, and your relationship in one fell swoop! And on top of that, us crunchy lovers have the equivalent of a quadruple stuffed Oreo without the hassle of throwing away the two extra black pieces. It's EXTRA crunchy people.

Stay tuned....next week I'll explain how to make do with only "pulpy" orange juice. Hint: shake before serving is just a suggestion.