Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Not. Dead. Yet

Surely I've used that title before.  I mean, surely, right?  Who fucking cares it's my blog and anybody who still reads this obviously will give me a pass, too.  So let's see where are we?

I've always prided myself on being completely open and honest about everything that's going on and happening in my life on here, and I think that's part of the reason at least some people enjoyed reading what I had to say.  Lately I haven't been posting and that's been simply because posting the truth has been simply unthinkable.  It's not that I was ashamed or afraid to share it, honestly, but more that I simply couldn't believe/accept it was happening.  I mean, sure I played some poker last year, but mostly I was trying (sort of) to revive my software engineering career while casually ignoring the smoking rubble of a preposterous decade long "relationship".  I quote my dad, sort of...holy fuck.  Are you kidding me?  That all happened?  I tried having a positive outlook on the whole thing and that was just so laughable I had to give it up.  So I took Johnny Baseball's advice and decided to actively not think about her (anytime she crept into my head I actively replace her with another thought).  It seemed like a good plan but pretty much resulted in me drinking all the time.  I'm not really sure how it did that, but it did.  So I stopped that plan and started just sort of letting my mind wander wherever it wanted whenever it wanted.  Also big mistake.

Turns out, shockingly, that there is no easy answer.  You can't just keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting something different to happen:

If you are a crayon eating window licking mother fucker, and you do the same thing day in and day out for 10 years, you will simply have clean windows and fewer crayons at the end.  It is what it is.  So I'm taking 9 weeks off from work and trying to do whatever I can to shun the crayons, ignore the windows, and somehow, some way, figure out what exactly matters to me.  That's the catch, really.  I spent a decade living with someone else telling me what my values were.  I mean, she didn't do it that actively, but the upshot was she had values (she didn't know what they were...but she acted on wanting them to be upheld, viciously and violently) and I was terrified of conflict so I just let her win 972 times in a row and then boom I had no value system whatsoever to go to to check what was right/wrong/desired/silly.  It gets worse and worse and worse but like I said above the whole thing is just unthinkable.  I'm ashamed of all of it.  I used that shame/anger to drag myself into the weight room and move my 3x8 bench weight from 125 to 155.  But I mean, so fucking what?  That's not a core value.  It feels good, but being strong doesn't matter at all to me.  I don't give a fuck.  It's better than nothing, I guess, except now I weigh 183 pounds instead of 154 (seriously I gained 30 pounds in 5 months...this happened) and I mean....again HOLY FUCK.  Awful.  Upon inspection you know what is a core value?  Being not fat!  Shocking.  So we're doing that now (swimming, running, etc instead of pushing around heavy things for no reason whatsoever cause I mean really unless the zombies come my bench ain't ever gonna matter and even if they do my time in the 10k will be WAY more relevant).

Mostly I'm angry.  And sad, regretful, etc.  And anxious, worried.  You know who has something to say about this?  The Buddha!  Seriously check it out Buddhism is awesome.  The religion has no deity and a fucking hall of fame.  Is your religion this awesome?  Oh, it is?  Good job little buddy!  Keep practicing it!

Just don't tell me what the fuck to do/think.  Cause if you do, like Mario did at the Bike last week, 19 please let it go looks from Randy Kim won't stop me (see Einstein, above, bro).

Ok that's about all I have.  I could talk about how I just got skull fucked in the 60 by Ted (I told Johnny baseball the story basically without breathing and his response was "are you sober" and I was like "shockingly yes") or how I literally took 88 to war on the 99889 board in a 6 way raised 100/200 pot and lost exactly 3 bets on the big streets (and told Phil I fired of the last $200 mostly just for his viewing pleasure cause I never, ever, ever, ever win)....ok I guess I already did.  The point is I've got two more months off and fuck poker, it's not the way out of this fucking mess.  I'm not sure software is either, but at it deserves the old college try at least, and so it shall have it.

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