White People Problems

So for lunch we have this truck that comes by called Lori's Kitchen.  Basically it's a dude with a cooler in a van with overpriced and not big enough sandwiches and some salads that really just cannot be consumed.  Usually I voyage out but today I was in the zone and just decided to get a brisket sandwich on a roll.  It was delicious but like 300 calories too little which I knew I'd pay for later.  I mean...it was enough food for lunch, but usually my lunch is split in half and second lunch happens at 3 or 4 and then I don't really eat dinner because I'm lazy and weigh 180 pounds someone I can stand to miss a few meals so what's wrong with yogurt for dinner!

Fast forward to ten minutes ago and I'm hungry and gonna be here like 2 more hours at least, so I decided to go foraging.  The fruit shipment just came yesterday so I walk to the secret baskets but...no bananas already!  Gasp!  How do these people eat all the bananas so quickly!!  I settle for a pear, but really wanted to put peanut butter on something AND much to my delight there are some peanut M&Ms left (usually gone by noon but I suspect that not only is nobody here but people are trying to be good before the gorging) so I get a handful of those.  Then I walk over to the other kitchen (also no bananas as I suspected they always go first) but get myself a handful of saltine crackers in the little two cracker packs (maybe 8 crackers?) and scoop some peanut butter into a bowl (partially hydrogenated peanut butter though!).  At this point I have peanut butter and crackers, a pear and M&Ms.  That can't be consumed without coffee, right?  So I walk back to my desk, drop off my food and return with my mug and make myself a half caff with two keurig cups.  Yup, I'm THAT guy.

These are my problems.  These are the things that interrupt my existence.  in my defense Danielle brought a keurig machine to work and sat it next to her desk because the $6000 espresso machine Google installed was too far away.  And now their new building has a barista.  Like.  For real.  A fucking barista.  When I was going through my "quitting poker am I going back into software" crisis 15 months ago I jokingly said I could be the new Google barista and she looked me dead in the eye without missing a beat not realizing it was even supposed to be a joke (or not caring) and said "No way, you're not qualified for that job" and I was like "...."